ANECDOTES

All Times

The surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a a friend of mine; he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the cashier noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Mark Twain once spent three weeks fishing in the Maine woods, regardless of the fact that it was the state's closed season for fishing. Relaxing in the lounge car of the train on his return journey to New York, his catch iced down in the baggage car, he looked for someone to whom he could relate the story of his successful holiday.

The stranger to whom he began to boast of his sizable catch appeared at first unresponsive, then positively grim. "By the way, who are you, sir?" inquired Twain airily. "I'm the state game warden," was the unwelcome response. "Who are you?" Twain nearly swallowed his cigar. "Well, to be perfectly truthful, warden," he said hastily, "I'm the biggest damn liar in the whole United States."

Have you ever watched a flock of geese flying in their traditional "V" formation, heading for Canada?

Two engineers learned that each bird, by flapping its wings, creates an uplift for the bird that follows. Together, the whole flock gains something like 70 percent greater flying range than if they were journeying alone.

The raw recruit was thirty seconds late on the morning of his first dress parade, and later on had to report at the orderly-room.
"I am exceedingly sorry, sir," he apologized, "but I woke rather late, and there were only ten minutes for me to dress in."
"Ten minutes!" roared the angry officer. "Why, I can dress comfortably in less than ten minutes!"
The recruit shifted his weight from one leg the the other.
"Yes, sir," he said innocently. "But I had to wash, sir."

A friend of mine told me how her husband had fitted some shelves into a partly empty cupboard.

On viewing his handy work, for what looked like a job well done. She remarked to her husband, "How do I get my ironing board out"?

Baron Dowse defined to a jury what presumptive and circumstantial evidence is:
"A man going into a public-house is presumptive evidence; a man coming out of a public-house and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand is circumstantial evidence."

THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THAT THEY GET ELECTED

One of the witticisms of Lord Russell of Killowen was his answer to a question from a distinguished councel who asked what the heaviest penalty for bigamy was.
"Two mothers-in-law," said Russell promptly.